A question I commonly get is, how do I get more friends?
If you have a friend who goes out of his way to help cement friendships between others, consider yourself fortunate indeed. In today’s frantic, mobile, throwaway society, such individuals are exceedingly rare. With the demands placed upon us by our careers, our families, and the hectic pace of daily life, most of us have little time for ourselves, and even less for our friends. Yet we know that friendship freely given and gratefully received is one of life’s greatest gifts.
In order to gte more friends, it is time for you to reach out and be the friend to someone else who is reaching out.
Igniting lives on fire.
http://www.fraserstirling.co.nz/
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
COMMUNICATION
My recent posts have been about relationships, therefore I thought I would discuss communication today:
Communication is one of the most important aspects of our lives that, ironically, many of us pay the least attention to. Regretfully, the main reason is that many of us have never been taught how to communicate in a way that benefits us and the person we are communicating with. From the moment we wake up in the morning until we go to bed, we are communicating, first with family, then with coworkers, neighbors, friends, and so on. We communicate either verbally, through our spoken words, or nonverbally, through eye contact, body language, and touch as well as through our thoughts, feelings, and passions. It has been estimated that only about 20 percent of our communication is verbal, and the rest is nonverbal. It is important, then, to pay attention to all the nonverbal clues we express to people as they speak more than the words we say. For example, most people can remember when they were children and "the look" their parents gave them that expressed much more than words would. Imagine if our communication with our spouses was clearer so that we knew how to express our feelings and ask for what we wanted--and we were heard. What if we, as parents, communicated from a place of personal power inside ourselves, expecting our children to listen and cooperate without having to yell? Through verbal and nonverbal communication we let people know who we are, what we want, and how we feel. Therefore communication is one of the necessary building blocks for creating a solid and successful family environment.
Here are four steps that will enhance communication with your family.
1. Expressing Our Wants and Feelings We all have wants and feelings. Once upon a time, in our youth, it was all right for us to want, and more so, it was even necessary for us to want. But many of us had parents who told us no, we could not join the big kids in the street, we could not ask for money or play with a certain thing, and that we asked too many questions. So "no, you don't want that" became the mantra of our lives. How many times did we hear statements such as these: "don't argue with me"; "if you want to cry, I'll give you something to cry about"; and so many others that taught us to stuff our feelings and shut up. No wonder we have a hard time expressing ourselves. This transfers into our adulthood to our spouses and children. When we do not get what we want, we tend to blame and attack others, causing upset and a belief that relationships are hard. In order to improve our ability to communicate and therefore improve our relationship with our family, we need to understand and release any emotions like anger and resentment and the belief that we are going to upset someone by stating our wants. It is when we release these that we can express our current wants and feelings, and we can then hear the wants and feelings of our spouses and children.
2. Making Others Right Any time we make negative comments to people about something they are doing or about a feeling or thought they have, we are making them wrong for who they are. This is called projection: the tendency to unconsciously place onto others our own undesirable ideas and impulses. How can you tell if you are projecting? The easiest way to know is if you are judging. How many times do you judge your spouse or your children for actions they take or feelings they have? No one wants to be ignored, accused, or made wrong. Think of someone right now that you have done this to. What was his or her reaction? When we project, we think they are undeserving of our love or caring. Truly, the place to start letting go of judgments is within ourselves. The more we release our own judgments about ourselves, the less we project them onto our family members. We can then make them right and see them as important, having value, and being okay for who they are because we have seen that about ourselves.
3. Listening What does listening have to do with communication? Why is listening so important? Listening allows us to get information, to learn about someone, and to understand another's feelings. Research has shown that people are listening only 25 percent of the time and that they make up the rest of what they think they hear. Therefore the nonlistener does not learn what there is to know, and the relationship becomes a classic lose-lose situation. There are many reasons why we do not hear what other people are saying. Some of them include talking too much, being too consumed with our own opinions, thinking we know a lot more about something than the person talking and planning our remarks and actions before the other person finishes. A good listener gives his or her undivided attention, asks questions without interrupting, does not judge until comprehension is complete, sees things from all points of view, and, especially, exercises the mind.
4. Having Agreements Instead of Expectations Since we have not learned positive ways to communicate due to holding back our feelings and not asking for what we want, we end up having expectations of others. We feel as if they can read our minds and know what we want without having to express it. Expectation is defined as "a prospect of future benefit." Because of this desire for a future benefit, we habitually deprive or withhold something desirable from ourselves for some outward goal or the love of someone in our lives. This is referred to as Sacrifice. For example, you think, "I will do this certain thing for my spouse, and when I do, she or he will love me more for it." Another example is thinking "I will pick up my child's toys, and he or she will learn from that and then pick up his or her own toys." We also have expectations of ourselves based on what we think others want of us, and they become shoulds; examples are "I should be a better parent" or "I should be happy around my spouse all the time." Because of fears we carry within ourselves about relationships and asking for what we want, we hold these expectations as a desire or a hope, wanting them to come true. We then sacrifice ourselves with these expectations, depriving ourselves of our wants. We become angry and disappointed when they do not come true and then feel guilty for having expressed the anger. In reality, we are angry with ourselves for not speaking up and asking for we want and need. To resolve this, we need to observe when we run our lives by shoulds or expectations and instead then communicate to others our desires and make agreements with each family member. Successful family relationships depend on how well we communicate. By using these tools, you will learn how to listen and communicate with each other. You will empower yourself and your family members. And you will create more joy, love, and peace in the family household.
Igniting lives on fire
www.fraserstirling.co.nz
Communication is one of the most important aspects of our lives that, ironically, many of us pay the least attention to. Regretfully, the main reason is that many of us have never been taught how to communicate in a way that benefits us and the person we are communicating with. From the moment we wake up in the morning until we go to bed, we are communicating, first with family, then with coworkers, neighbors, friends, and so on. We communicate either verbally, through our spoken words, or nonverbally, through eye contact, body language, and touch as well as through our thoughts, feelings, and passions. It has been estimated that only about 20 percent of our communication is verbal, and the rest is nonverbal. It is important, then, to pay attention to all the nonverbal clues we express to people as they speak more than the words we say. For example, most people can remember when they were children and "the look" their parents gave them that expressed much more than words would. Imagine if our communication with our spouses was clearer so that we knew how to express our feelings and ask for what we wanted--and we were heard. What if we, as parents, communicated from a place of personal power inside ourselves, expecting our children to listen and cooperate without having to yell? Through verbal and nonverbal communication we let people know who we are, what we want, and how we feel. Therefore communication is one of the necessary building blocks for creating a solid and successful family environment.
Here are four steps that will enhance communication with your family.
1. Expressing Our Wants and Feelings We all have wants and feelings. Once upon a time, in our youth, it was all right for us to want, and more so, it was even necessary for us to want. But many of us had parents who told us no, we could not join the big kids in the street, we could not ask for money or play with a certain thing, and that we asked too many questions. So "no, you don't want that" became the mantra of our lives. How many times did we hear statements such as these: "don't argue with me"; "if you want to cry, I'll give you something to cry about"; and so many others that taught us to stuff our feelings and shut up. No wonder we have a hard time expressing ourselves. This transfers into our adulthood to our spouses and children. When we do not get what we want, we tend to blame and attack others, causing upset and a belief that relationships are hard. In order to improve our ability to communicate and therefore improve our relationship with our family, we need to understand and release any emotions like anger and resentment and the belief that we are going to upset someone by stating our wants. It is when we release these that we can express our current wants and feelings, and we can then hear the wants and feelings of our spouses and children.
2. Making Others Right Any time we make negative comments to people about something they are doing or about a feeling or thought they have, we are making them wrong for who they are. This is called projection: the tendency to unconsciously place onto others our own undesirable ideas and impulses. How can you tell if you are projecting? The easiest way to know is if you are judging. How many times do you judge your spouse or your children for actions they take or feelings they have? No one wants to be ignored, accused, or made wrong. Think of someone right now that you have done this to. What was his or her reaction? When we project, we think they are undeserving of our love or caring. Truly, the place to start letting go of judgments is within ourselves. The more we release our own judgments about ourselves, the less we project them onto our family members. We can then make them right and see them as important, having value, and being okay for who they are because we have seen that about ourselves.
3. Listening What does listening have to do with communication? Why is listening so important? Listening allows us to get information, to learn about someone, and to understand another's feelings. Research has shown that people are listening only 25 percent of the time and that they make up the rest of what they think they hear. Therefore the nonlistener does not learn what there is to know, and the relationship becomes a classic lose-lose situation. There are many reasons why we do not hear what other people are saying. Some of them include talking too much, being too consumed with our own opinions, thinking we know a lot more about something than the person talking and planning our remarks and actions before the other person finishes. A good listener gives his or her undivided attention, asks questions without interrupting, does not judge until comprehension is complete, sees things from all points of view, and, especially, exercises the mind.
4. Having Agreements Instead of Expectations Since we have not learned positive ways to communicate due to holding back our feelings and not asking for what we want, we end up having expectations of others. We feel as if they can read our minds and know what we want without having to express it. Expectation is defined as "a prospect of future benefit." Because of this desire for a future benefit, we habitually deprive or withhold something desirable from ourselves for some outward goal or the love of someone in our lives. This is referred to as Sacrifice. For example, you think, "I will do this certain thing for my spouse, and when I do, she or he will love me more for it." Another example is thinking "I will pick up my child's toys, and he or she will learn from that and then pick up his or her own toys." We also have expectations of ourselves based on what we think others want of us, and they become shoulds; examples are "I should be a better parent" or "I should be happy around my spouse all the time." Because of fears we carry within ourselves about relationships and asking for what we want, we hold these expectations as a desire or a hope, wanting them to come true. We then sacrifice ourselves with these expectations, depriving ourselves of our wants. We become angry and disappointed when they do not come true and then feel guilty for having expressed the anger. In reality, we are angry with ourselves for not speaking up and asking for we want and need. To resolve this, we need to observe when we run our lives by shoulds or expectations and instead then communicate to others our desires and make agreements with each family member. Successful family relationships depend on how well we communicate. By using these tools, you will learn how to listen and communicate with each other. You will empower yourself and your family members. And you will create more joy, love, and peace in the family household.
Igniting lives on fire
www.fraserstirling.co.nz
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Bait the conversation.
A boy came to me today and said that his Dad was taking the day off work to go fishing for his birthday. It amazes me that people tend to spend more time planning things, rather than planning their lives. I have just listened to an excellent audio on relationships by Anthony Robbins. Zig Ziglar also comments that people need to have good relationships at home, or home court advantage as he calls it. A good fisherman goes out of his way to bait his hook with what the fish prefer — which might not be a bad tip for those who wish to succeed in human relationships.
Just as in a conversation it’s a good idea to listen more than you talk, it is also wise in relationships to think about the well-being of others more than you think about your own wishes and desires. When you constantly strive to treat others in the same way you would like them to treat you, you become a person whom others like to be around, one who commands their respect, confidence, and loyalty. When you learn to manage emotions and your ego, and when you learn to always consider the needs and desires of others, it is inevitable that you will “bait your hook” with kindness and consideration, and catch more friends than you can count.
Good relationships helps ignite the fire within.
www.fraserstirling.co.nz
Sunday, August 29, 2010
loved ones
Recently, the news of Lucas the young boy who unfortunately drowned while in his grandparents care
has been a topic of discussion throughout the country. As I have been reflecting on what his family is
experiencing, I have been thinking of how I treat my loved ones. Am I truly making the most of the time
I have with them? or, am I too busy filling my day and weeks with ‘must do’s’, or am I making time to
enjoy those people who are special to me?
We never know how long we have with these significant people in our lives. Therefore, this month take
some time to think about the important people in your lives and what you can do to show you care, no
matter how big or small.
To realise the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realise the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realise the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realise the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realise the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the bus.
To realise the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realise the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special
in your life.
Remember, time waits for no-one.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift. That's why it is called ‘the present’.
Fraser Stirling (fraser.stirling@gmail.com Life Coach)
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Thinking
When are the times that you feel most special? If you look back throughout the week and or past few months I bet the times that you have remembered is when you have been with someone 1-1 and you felt like you were the most amazing person on the planet. Why were you feeling like that? I believe it is simply because you were being listening to on a deeper level.
Level 1 thinking is the general thinking and idle chit chat that is used int he cafe etc. This is fine for many of our conversations. At this level the mind is thinking of how to reply, whats for lunch, what clothing they are wearing. The inward chatter is very loud and can distract us from solely focusing on the other person.
Level 2 is where we are more tuned into the other person. We are noticing their body language, things they refer to without stating it. It is a place where their voice is louder than the chatter in our mind and they are becoming more of the focus.
Level 3
This is were we focus solely on the other person. We are in tune with them. Our total focus inward and outward is on them. They feel like they are the most important person in the world. This week I challenge you to reflect on what depth of thinking you are displaying?
Are you moving through the different levels or are you always at 2-3?
Remember there is a time and place for all 3. Its just a matter of being aware of what we are doing and noticing how we can adapt to the different environments we encounter.
Till next time.
Fraser
Level 1 thinking is the general thinking and idle chit chat that is used int he cafe etc. This is fine for many of our conversations. At this level the mind is thinking of how to reply, whats for lunch, what clothing they are wearing. The inward chatter is very loud and can distract us from solely focusing on the other person.
Level 2 is where we are more tuned into the other person. We are noticing their body language, things they refer to without stating it. It is a place where their voice is louder than the chatter in our mind and they are becoming more of the focus.
Level 3
This is were we focus solely on the other person. We are in tune with them. Our total focus inward and outward is on them. They feel like they are the most important person in the world. This week I challenge you to reflect on what depth of thinking you are displaying?
Are you moving through the different levels or are you always at 2-3?
Remember there is a time and place for all 3. Its just a matter of being aware of what we are doing and noticing how we can adapt to the different environments we encounter.
Till next time.
Fraser
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Just some thoughts
I love life...i believe it is an opportunity to explore the world in which we live. Its a chance to taste the different smells and tastes that surround us. However one of the most precious gifts we have while here on earth is the gift of friendships. Rather than be busy chasing things..as Zig Ziglar says if we help enough other people get what thye want then we will eventually get what we want. I have some really special people in my life. I must work on these...otherwise life and people will slip away unless i take time to sow love, hope, respect and time into these people. What an opportunity to help others be the best they can be. I have opportunites to speak into lives. I have opportunties to build others up. I have oipportunites to be the best i can be. What a great day.
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