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Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Saturday, November 26, 2011
EFFECTIVE CONVERSATIONS
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Keys to Success
I have been thinking about what success is and what it means to different people. Here are some things that help us be successful in whatever we pursue.
Igniting lives on Fire
www.fraserstirling.co.nz
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Monday, November 14, 2011
COMMUNICATION
My recent posts have been about relationships, therefore I thought I would discuss communication today:
Communication is one of the most important aspects of our lives that, ironically, many of us pay the least attention to. Regretfully, the main reason is that many of us have never been taught how to communicate in a way that benefits us and the person we are communicating with. From the moment we wake up in the morning until we go to bed, we are communicating, first with family, then with coworkers, neighbors, friends, and so on. We communicate either verbally, through our spoken words, or nonverbally, through eye contact, body language, and touch as well as through our thoughts, feelings, and passions. It has been estimated that only about 20 percent of our communication is verbal, and the rest is nonverbal. It is important, then, to pay attention to all the nonverbal clues we express to people as they speak more than the words we say. For example, most people can remember when they were children and "the look" their parents gave them that expressed much more than words would. Imagine if our communication with our spouses was clearer so that we knew how to express our feelings and ask for what we wanted--and we were heard. What if we, as parents, communicated from a place of personal power inside ourselves, expecting our children to listen and cooperate without having to yell? Through verbal and nonverbal communication we let people know who we are, what we want, and how we feel. Therefore communication is one of the necessary building blocks for creating a solid and successful family environment.
Here are four steps that will enhance communication with your family.
1. Expressing Our Wants and Feelings We all have wants and feelings. Once upon a time, in our youth, it was all right for us to want, and more so, it was even necessary for us to want. But many of us had parents who told us no, we could not join the big kids in the street, we could not ask for money or play with a certain thing, and that we asked too many questions. So "no, you don't want that" became the mantra of our lives. How many times did we hear statements such as these: "don't argue with me"; "if you want to cry, I'll give you something to cry about"; and so many others that taught us to stuff our feelings and shut up. No wonder we have a hard time expressing ourselves. This transfers into our adulthood to our spouses and children. When we do not get what we want, we tend to blame and attack others, causing upset and a belief that relationships are hard. In order to improve our ability to communicate and therefore improve our relationship with our family, we need to understand and release any emotions like anger and resentment and the belief that we are going to upset someone by stating our wants. It is when we release these that we can express our current wants and feelings, and we can then hear the wants and feelings of our spouses and children.
2. Making Others Right Any time we make negative comments to people about something they are doing or about a feeling or thought they have, we are making them wrong for who they are. This is called projection: the tendency to unconsciously place onto others our own undesirable ideas and impulses. How can you tell if you are projecting? The easiest way to know is if you are judging. How many times do you judge your spouse or your children for actions they take or feelings they have? No one wants to be ignored, accused, or made wrong. Think of someone right now that you have done this to. What was his or her reaction? When we project, we think they are undeserving of our love or caring. Truly, the place to start letting go of judgments is within ourselves. The more we release our own judgments about ourselves, the less we project them onto our family members. We can then make them right and see them as important, having value, and being okay for who they are because we have seen that about ourselves.
3. Listening What does listening have to do with communication? Why is listening so important? Listening allows us to get information, to learn about someone, and to understand another's feelings. Research has shown that people are listening only 25 percent of the time and that they make up the rest of what they think they hear. Therefore the nonlistener does not learn what there is to know, and the relationship becomes a classic lose-lose situation. There are many reasons why we do not hear what other people are saying. Some of them include talking too much, being too consumed with our own opinions, thinking we know a lot more about something than the person talking and planning our remarks and actions before the other person finishes. A good listener gives his or her undivided attention, asks questions without interrupting, does not judge until comprehension is complete, sees things from all points of view, and, especially, exercises the mind.
4. Having Agreements Instead of Expectations Since we have not learned positive ways to communicate due to holding back our feelings and not asking for what we want, we end up having expectations of others. We feel as if they can read our minds and know what we want without having to express it. Expectation is defined as "a prospect of future benefit." Because of this desire for a future benefit, we habitually deprive or withhold something desirable from ourselves for some outward goal or the love of someone in our lives. This is referred to as Sacrifice. For example, you think, "I will do this certain thing for my spouse, and when I do, she or he will love me more for it." Another example is thinking "I will pick up my child's toys, and he or she will learn from that and then pick up his or her own toys." We also have expectations of ourselves based on what we think others want of us, and they become shoulds; examples are "I should be a better parent" or "I should be happy around my spouse all the time." Because of fears we carry within ourselves about relationships and asking for what we want, we hold these expectations as a desire or a hope, wanting them to come true. We then sacrifice ourselves with these expectations, depriving ourselves of our wants. We become angry and disappointed when they do not come true and then feel guilty for having expressed the anger. In reality, we are angry with ourselves for not speaking up and asking for we want and need. To resolve this, we need to observe when we run our lives by shoulds or expectations and instead then communicate to others our desires and make agreements with each family member. Successful family relationships depend on how well we communicate. By using these tools, you will learn how to listen and communicate with each other. You will empower yourself and your family members. And you will create more joy, love, and peace in the family household.
Igniting lives on fire
www.fraserstirling.co.nz
Communication is one of the most important aspects of our lives that, ironically, many of us pay the least attention to. Regretfully, the main reason is that many of us have never been taught how to communicate in a way that benefits us and the person we are communicating with. From the moment we wake up in the morning until we go to bed, we are communicating, first with family, then with coworkers, neighbors, friends, and so on. We communicate either verbally, through our spoken words, or nonverbally, through eye contact, body language, and touch as well as through our thoughts, feelings, and passions. It has been estimated that only about 20 percent of our communication is verbal, and the rest is nonverbal. It is important, then, to pay attention to all the nonverbal clues we express to people as they speak more than the words we say. For example, most people can remember when they were children and "the look" their parents gave them that expressed much more than words would. Imagine if our communication with our spouses was clearer so that we knew how to express our feelings and ask for what we wanted--and we were heard. What if we, as parents, communicated from a place of personal power inside ourselves, expecting our children to listen and cooperate without having to yell? Through verbal and nonverbal communication we let people know who we are, what we want, and how we feel. Therefore communication is one of the necessary building blocks for creating a solid and successful family environment.
Here are four steps that will enhance communication with your family.
1. Expressing Our Wants and Feelings We all have wants and feelings. Once upon a time, in our youth, it was all right for us to want, and more so, it was even necessary for us to want. But many of us had parents who told us no, we could not join the big kids in the street, we could not ask for money or play with a certain thing, and that we asked too many questions. So "no, you don't want that" became the mantra of our lives. How many times did we hear statements such as these: "don't argue with me"; "if you want to cry, I'll give you something to cry about"; and so many others that taught us to stuff our feelings and shut up. No wonder we have a hard time expressing ourselves. This transfers into our adulthood to our spouses and children. When we do not get what we want, we tend to blame and attack others, causing upset and a belief that relationships are hard. In order to improve our ability to communicate and therefore improve our relationship with our family, we need to understand and release any emotions like anger and resentment and the belief that we are going to upset someone by stating our wants. It is when we release these that we can express our current wants and feelings, and we can then hear the wants and feelings of our spouses and children.
2. Making Others Right Any time we make negative comments to people about something they are doing or about a feeling or thought they have, we are making them wrong for who they are. This is called projection: the tendency to unconsciously place onto others our own undesirable ideas and impulses. How can you tell if you are projecting? The easiest way to know is if you are judging. How many times do you judge your spouse or your children for actions they take or feelings they have? No one wants to be ignored, accused, or made wrong. Think of someone right now that you have done this to. What was his or her reaction? When we project, we think they are undeserving of our love or caring. Truly, the place to start letting go of judgments is within ourselves. The more we release our own judgments about ourselves, the less we project them onto our family members. We can then make them right and see them as important, having value, and being okay for who they are because we have seen that about ourselves.
3. Listening What does listening have to do with communication? Why is listening so important? Listening allows us to get information, to learn about someone, and to understand another's feelings. Research has shown that people are listening only 25 percent of the time and that they make up the rest of what they think they hear. Therefore the nonlistener does not learn what there is to know, and the relationship becomes a classic lose-lose situation. There are many reasons why we do not hear what other people are saying. Some of them include talking too much, being too consumed with our own opinions, thinking we know a lot more about something than the person talking and planning our remarks and actions before the other person finishes. A good listener gives his or her undivided attention, asks questions without interrupting, does not judge until comprehension is complete, sees things from all points of view, and, especially, exercises the mind.
4. Having Agreements Instead of Expectations Since we have not learned positive ways to communicate due to holding back our feelings and not asking for what we want, we end up having expectations of others. We feel as if they can read our minds and know what we want without having to express it. Expectation is defined as "a prospect of future benefit." Because of this desire for a future benefit, we habitually deprive or withhold something desirable from ourselves for some outward goal or the love of someone in our lives. This is referred to as Sacrifice. For example, you think, "I will do this certain thing for my spouse, and when I do, she or he will love me more for it." Another example is thinking "I will pick up my child's toys, and he or she will learn from that and then pick up his or her own toys." We also have expectations of ourselves based on what we think others want of us, and they become shoulds; examples are "I should be a better parent" or "I should be happy around my spouse all the time." Because of fears we carry within ourselves about relationships and asking for what we want, we hold these expectations as a desire or a hope, wanting them to come true. We then sacrifice ourselves with these expectations, depriving ourselves of our wants. We become angry and disappointed when they do not come true and then feel guilty for having expressed the anger. In reality, we are angry with ourselves for not speaking up and asking for we want and need. To resolve this, we need to observe when we run our lives by shoulds or expectations and instead then communicate to others our desires and make agreements with each family member. Successful family relationships depend on how well we communicate. By using these tools, you will learn how to listen and communicate with each other. You will empower yourself and your family members. And you will create more joy, love, and peace in the family household.
Igniting lives on fire
www.fraserstirling.co.nz
Friday, November 4, 2011
WORKING TOGETHER
I work with a great bunch of people and I believe that is because we all bring a similar attitude to each other. However it isn't always like that, so what makes the difference?
Napoleon Hill comments: Willing cooperation produces enduring power, while forced cooperation ends in failure.
No civilization based upon the unfair treatment of its people has ever endured. Someone may force the cooperation of others for a time, but that power is never sustained. Only when people are accorded the respect they deserve do they willingly create and maintain successful organizations and societies. When you build a company or an organization based on fairness and justice for every member, you have built a power that will long endure. The best way to secure the commitment and unending cooperation of others is through the simple application of the Golden Rule. It is the most successful and long-lasting management theory ever developed. When you treat others as you would like to be treated were you in their situation, you will inspire loyalty and enthusiastic cooperation. Set high standards for yourself and others, treat them well, let them do their jobs, and they will perform miracles for you.
Ignite the fire within.
www.fraserstirling.co.nz
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Communication
Throughout the past few weeks I have had several conversations around the importance of communication. Some have been face to face and then they have also discussed areas such as talking to an audience through to email and text being effective forms of communicate as well.
http://www
Today I just wanted to share some ideas around challenging people to communicate with:
We work with, play with, service‚ or are related to difficult people. Difficult people yell, explode, and try to intimidate you. If your life is free from these hostile and manipulative people, read no further. However, the probability of encountering these people is extremely likely. Although the difficult people make up 3-5% of the population, they create over 50% of the everyday problems!
Certainly, we all can be miserable, hostile and basically pretty unpleasant at times. But difficult people are this way all the time. A brief encounter with a difficult person leaves one angry, frustrated, and demoralized. These people go right for the jugular vein. The negative behavioral patterns they learned are used strategically to wear you down. Their only objective is to win regardless of who stands in their way.
Difficult people have learned to be this way because it is effective for them. Their hostile and negative behavior serves them well. Their arsenal of aggressive behavior catches their prey off guard and then renders them helpless. Consequently, after a confrontation with these people, it's not unusual to feel mentally abused and frustrated.
The first step in coping with a difficult person is to understand why they behave this way. Generally, these people are unhappy, insecure, and have low self-esteem. Early in life they learned to get their needs met in maladaptive ways, such as, being the bully. Although there are different types of difficult people - some are overly aggressive, while others may be passive-aggressive - their dynamics are similar. Like all human beings, all they want is to be loved and accepted. Unfortunately, they have learned inappropriate ways to achieve this.
These behavioral patterns are deeply ingrained in the personality of the difficult person. The overly-aggressive difficult person (one who bullies, explodes, screams, etc.) uses their aggressive posture as a defense mechanism. Because of their weak and fragile ego, they need to protect themselves. Their best defense is a strong offense-aggression. Therefore, they feel in control of themselves only in a situation that allows them to feel powerful. But it doesn't stop there. Like all weak people, their insatiable need to feel secure makes it necessary for them to win - and to win at any cost.
The second step in trying to cope with difficult people is to distinguish between a person who is having a bad day and one who is a difficult person. Keep in mind that difficult people make up a small percentage of the population. However, having an encounter with one makes that percentage appear larger.
The first way to help distinguish between the two is to reflect on the history of the person. In other words, "Is the behavioral pattern normal or unusual for this person?" The difficult person is this way all of the time. A non-difficult person who is having a bad day is just reacting to a particular situation.
Another approach in distinguishing between the difficult person and a person having a bad day is found in the way you communicate with them. Although hostile at first, the non-difficult person will eventually respond to your effective communication and rational reasoning. The difficult person will be relentless in their pursuit to beat you and win.
To help you maintain composure when confronted by difficult people, it is important to keep three things in mind. First, you can never change the difficult person. The old saying that a leopard never loses its spots holds true with the difficult person. These people need to be this way and for them to change is to expose their vulnerability.
When confronted by difficult people, remain focused and be firm. Like spiders spinning their webs, they are trying to trap you. By bombarding your ego with insults and intimidation, they want you to lose control and fight with them. When this happens, they "got-ya." Listen to them, maintain direct eye contact and when appropriate speak in a clear firm voice. It is easy to become wrapped up in the heated situation, so remain detached and distant from these people. Doing so helps keep you from becoming entangled in their web of misery and hostility.
The final step that will help you cope with the difficult person is to not personalize the problem. Certainly, this is easier said than done. Between wishing they would be different, thinking you can really help them, and trying to survive their emotional assault, it's difficult not to internalize the problem. Yet, in order to cope effectively with these people, it is crucial to maintain your self-esteem.
Some of the following thoughts might be helpful in your attempt to depersonalize the situation:
"This is their problem, I will not make it mine."
"I'm not going to allow anyone to dictate my behavior."
"They want me to fight with them, I won't allow it."
"Their need to be difficult is a cover-up for their own inadequacies."
"I have the choice to play or not this game."
The bottom line is that trying to cope with difficult people is never easy and is quite frustrating. Trust the fact that all people have trouble dealing with difficult people. Although it may not seem possible to deal with difficult people effectively, remain confident in your abilities and coping skills. And keep in mind that engaging in an argument with these people is a no-win proposition. In fact, the only way for you to win is to elect not to play.
Then lastly this week
Here is a great clip by Les Brown on communication
http://www.lesbrown.com/english/skype/skype_les_communications_2.html
Friday, July 2, 2010
What you see is what you get?
What we think becomes our reality. We need to be careful because while we think we may know all the facts we in fact may only have part of the story. That is our personal Point of View (POV). Sometimes we have only a small amount of the story and we aren't fully aware of the whole.
There is a story that explains this very well.
There is a story that explains this very well.
ELEPHANT AND THE BLIND MEN
Once upon a time, there lived six blind men in a village. One day the villagers told them, "Hey, there is an elephant in the village today."
They had no idea what an elephant is. They decided, "Even though we would not be able to see it, let us go and feel it anyway." All of them went where the elephant was. Everyone of them touched the elephant.
"Hey, the elephant is a pillar," said the first man who touched his leg.
"Oh, no! it is like a rope," said the second man who touched the tail.
"Oh, no! it is like a thick branch of a tree," said the third man who touched the trunk of the elephant.
"It is like a big hand fan" said the fourth man who touched the ear of the elephant.
"It is like a huge wall," said the fifth man who touched the belly of the elephant.
"It is like a solid pipe," Said the sixth man who touched the tusk of the elephant.
They began to argue about the elephant and everyone of them insisted that he was right. It looked like they were getting agitated. A wise man was passing by and he saw this. He stopped and asked them, "What is the matter?" They said, "We cannot agree to what the elephant is like." Each one of them told what he thought the elephant was like. The wise man calmly explained to them, "All of you are right. The reason every one of you is telling it differently because each one of you touched the different part of the elephant. So, actually the elephant has all those features what you all said."
"Oh!" everyone said. There was no more fight. They felt happy that they were all right.
The moral of the story is that there may be some truth to what someone says. Sometimes we can see that truth and sometimes not because they may have different perspective which we may not agree too. So, rather than arguing like the blind men, we should say, "Maybe you have your reasons." This way we don’t get in arguments. In Jainism, it is explained that truth can be stated in seven different ways. So, you can see how broad our religion is. It teaches us to be tolerant towards others for their viewpoints. This allows us to live in harmony with the people of different thinking. This is known as the Syadvada, Anekantvad, or the theory of Manifold Predictions.
be careful what you think because there is more than likely much more behind the story. Till next time.Saturday, June 19, 2010
Thinking
When are the times that you feel most special? If you look back throughout the week and or past few months I bet the times that you have remembered is when you have been with someone 1-1 and you felt like you were the most amazing person on the planet. Why were you feeling like that? I believe it is simply because you were being listening to on a deeper level.
Level 1 thinking is the general thinking and idle chit chat that is used int he cafe etc. This is fine for many of our conversations. At this level the mind is thinking of how to reply, whats for lunch, what clothing they are wearing. The inward chatter is very loud and can distract us from solely focusing on the other person.
Level 2 is where we are more tuned into the other person. We are noticing their body language, things they refer to without stating it. It is a place where their voice is louder than the chatter in our mind and they are becoming more of the focus.
Level 3
This is were we focus solely on the other person. We are in tune with them. Our total focus inward and outward is on them. They feel like they are the most important person in the world. This week I challenge you to reflect on what depth of thinking you are displaying?
Are you moving through the different levels or are you always at 2-3?
Remember there is a time and place for all 3. Its just a matter of being aware of what we are doing and noticing how we can adapt to the different environments we encounter.
Till next time.
Fraser
Level 1 thinking is the general thinking and idle chit chat that is used int he cafe etc. This is fine for many of our conversations. At this level the mind is thinking of how to reply, whats for lunch, what clothing they are wearing. The inward chatter is very loud and can distract us from solely focusing on the other person.
Level 2 is where we are more tuned into the other person. We are noticing their body language, things they refer to without stating it. It is a place where their voice is louder than the chatter in our mind and they are becoming more of the focus.
Level 3
This is were we focus solely on the other person. We are in tune with them. Our total focus inward and outward is on them. They feel like they are the most important person in the world. This week I challenge you to reflect on what depth of thinking you are displaying?
Are you moving through the different levels or are you always at 2-3?
Remember there is a time and place for all 3. Its just a matter of being aware of what we are doing and noticing how we can adapt to the different environments we encounter.
Till next time.
Fraser
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