Inner Circle

Recently I have been reminded of the power of those closet to us....Mel Robbins explains it very clearly

The Friend Virus

Are you being infected by your friends' behavior?

Mel Robbins

I grew up in Western Michigan, in a little town called North Muskegon. I went east for college and law school and ended up settling there when I fell in love. I had always dreamed of having my wedding at home in Michigan, and in 1996, my husband and I got married at my parents’ place on Bear Lake.

The rehearsal dinner was at an old tavern next to the water. At one point in the evening, my mom walked over and put her arms around me and said, “I’ve lost you to the East Coast, Mel.” I smiled at her and said, “No you haven’t, I just live there; I’m a Midwesterner at heart, and I’ll always be yours, Mom.” She pressed on, “No, you are one of them now. Just look at how you have your sweater wrapped around your shoulders.”

I was wearing a red sundress, and my cardigan sweater was, in fact, tied around my neck and resting on my shoulders. “That’s how people in the East wear their sweaters,” Mom said. “You’ve become one of them.”

I looked around, and sure enough, the entire room could be divided into Midwesterners and Northeasterners simply by how their sweaters were tied. All of my high-school friends, neighbors and family members had tied their sweaters around their waists.

Little did my mother know, she was pointing out a highly researched fact: Your friends’ behavior is contagious. Everything including obesity, divorce, smoking and apparently sweater-wearing spreads like a virus. An ongoing, multi-decade research project proves the extent that our friends’ behavior affects our own. The Framingham Heart Study began in 1948 with people in Framingham, Mass. To date, the data collected on some 12,000 participants has yielded some startling results. Check this out:

• If someone you name as a friend gets divorced, you are 147 percent more likely to get divorced than if you didn’t have a friend who got divorced.
• If a friend becomes obese, the likelihood that you will follow suit increases by 171 percent.

Dr. Nicholas Christakis, a physician and professor of medical sociology at Harvard Medical School and a principal investigator of the data, explains why the “infection” rate for obesity and other behaviors is so high. “You change your idea of what is an acceptable body type by looking at the people around you,” he says.

If you look at your network and see a group of people who are getting heavy, divorced or laid off, you are going to have to work harder to fight off the infection rate in your own life. I’m not saying you should abandon your friends in their time of need, but you should at least look for new sources of positive inspiration and influence.

This phenomenon can also work to your advantage. If you want to make any change in your life, surround yourself with people who have what you want—whether that’s prosperity, health or loving relationships—and don’t be afraid to identify yourself as being one of them.

I went back to Michigan this summer. As the plane pulled up to the gate, my kids were like caged animals. I reminded them to wait while I gathered our carry-ons. As soon as I stood up, I took off my sweater and tied it snugly around my waist.

The Friend Virus | SUCCESS Magazine | What Achievers Read

Are you feeling stuck?

Does life overwhelm you? Do you spend so much time taking care of everybody else, that you forget to take care of yourself? Do you have trouble making confident decisions? Are you marching to your own drum or someone elses'. Identifying and prioritizing your personal values may be the key to living the life you desire.

If you want to create a happier work environment, or more joyful life in general, then it's important to understand the 'value of values' and how they can be your compass to keep you moving in a direction that makes you clearer on what's important to you, happier, and better at decision making when it comes, not only to your job, but all aspects of your life.

It's challenging to make decisions when you don't know what's significant to you. Too often we act in response to what others like or expect from us. That's where values come in, because they're all about you and no one else. Clear values allow you to make consistent decisions and take committed action.

Without them you can drift off course and be marching to the beat of someone elses' drum such as your boss, spouse, parents or children.

Values are the foundation of creating a fulfilling life I'm going to take you through a 4 step process to identify, prioritize and apply your values.

** Definition of Values **

Firstly we need to define what values are.

Values are what are important, valuable or desirable to you and they guide your behaviors and decisions and are the motivation behind your actions.

Living in alignment with your values creates joy, fulfillment and sense of personal satisfaction. If your life is not values aligned you may experience stress, unhappiness and hopelessness.

Each person has a value system which may be influenced by their background or life philosophy. Many of us develop values during our childhood. And, you may not hold the same values throughout your lifetime, I know I didn't.

I know that 'security' was a work value I adopted from my parents. They believed you had to work hard and have a full-time job in order to be successful.

They also told me I should stick with a job even though I hated it, so their value of 'persistence' often meant I stayed in unhealthy work situations longer than I should have instead of taking steps towards making positive changes that would have made me happier at work.

Now I'm not saying if you feel sad for a second, jump ship. Of course challenges and roadblocks come up and you can maneuver your way through them. The point is, if things are consistently crap you need to do something other than complain. And there may be time when you question if a long held value still works for you.

As I got older a value arose within me that made me question 'security' and 'persistence' - and that was my desire for 'freedom'.

It took me years, but I finally realized that I was acting on what was important to my parents, not what was important to me.

I changed my beliefs to support my values and now choose part-time and self-employment based on residual income. That means I'm rarely trading time for money and I have the flexibility to work when and where I want.

Simply, I chose freedom. I have about 10 values that drive this stage of my life. They include: Joy, Freedom, Success, Making a difference, Abundance, Love, Gratitude, Positive Attitude, Awareness and Balance.

As you can see, there's not a 'security' or 'persistence' in sight.

That's the beauty of making new choices, you can change your situation at any given moment. And don't forget to question, "Whose values are these anyway?"

I hope you're now clear on what values are. The main thing is, you've got to understand what's important to you. It's time to identify your values so you can make clear, confident and consistent decisions.

OK, let's take action.

** Step 1 - Determining your Values **

There are hundreds of values to choose from including: Acceptance, Adventure, Ambition, Benevolence, Comfort, Dignity, Education, Family, Growth, Honesty, Kindness, Love, Open-mindedness, Peace, Power, Reliability, Sincerity, Trust, Vision, Wealth.

Anyway, you get the idea. Go through the list and select which ones are important to you an add your own.

** Step 2 - Prioritize ** Now we're going to prioritize your values in order of importance. Priority is just as important as selecting the values, here's why: Let's say you and I have the same three values:

- Family - Abundance - Success

When I prioritized my values I had:

- Success - Abundance - Family

And you had:

- Family - Abundance - Success

If we had a mutual manager who asked us both to work over the weekend which one of us would be more likely to do it?

I would. Because although success is one of your values it's not as important as family so you'd prioritize spending time with your loved ones over work. So prioritization is an important and often forgotten part, when determining your values.

** Step 3 - Assess your Values Against Your Life

We'll continue with the work theme. This process usually uncovers the reasons why you're not happy in your current circumstances. Let's go back to our example where we identified and prioritized Family, Abundance and Success as our chosen values.

Imagine you work in the mail room of a large advertising agency. You took the role because you believed you could get your foot in the door, start at the bottom and work your way up.

But you're beginning to become discouraged by the fact that it has been two years, and despite the company's promises there is no promotion in site.

Plus, your wife just had a baby and you're committed to your young family. Whereas the firm is committed to corporate drinks after work and you feel like you'll never get the promotion if you don't take advantage of the after hours networking.

If your values are: family, abundance and success how do you think you'd feel in this job?

Firstly, you're not seeing your family that much because of your perceived need to network. You feel like you're missing out on valuable time with your baby because she's asleep when you get home and you only seem to get weekend time.

You're still in your entry level position, so you're not making that much money, so your value of abundance is out the window.

There are also no promotions on the horizon so your success value isn't being fulfilled either. It's my guess you're beginning to feel a little hopeless and dissatisfied with your role.

But here's the great part - everything can change my making different choices. But before we discuss that I want to emphasize how important it is to align your values with the organization you're working for as it will make you happier and minimize inner conflict.

For example if you value 'integrity' and the company you work for is misrepresenting its success to their shareholders you may struggle with guilt and resentment.

If you are values aligned with your organization you will discover a natural enthusiasm, a sense of personal satisfaction and a feeling of purpose - the exact attributes which contribute to success and happiness.

If you and your organization's values couldn't be further apart, don't worry, as I said earlier you can always make a different choice and that's what we do in Step 4.

** Step 4 - Embracing Change **

This step focuses on what you can change in regards to your attitude, behavior and / or environment in the short, medium and long term to get out of the rut. Let's take our mail room worker and look at short-term solutions to shift his situation.

Firstly, his *attitude* - he will consider work to be work, and done within work hours, his family is the priority from 6pm onwards.

He is going to *behave* proactively - he has set a meeting with his manager to ask what he needs to do in order to get a promotion. And if he does that, when he can expect the next opportunity to arise. After that discussion he will at least be clearer on his position.

And now we look at his *environment* - he can look for opportunities outside the mail room and offer to do projects for other departments to show enthusiasm and increase his profile.

Now, if none of the above works he can go into a medium - long term strategy of finding a new role.

Taking action is empowering whereas remaining idle just reinforces how stuck you feel in your unpalatable situation.

Committing to making changes allows you to feel that you are in the driver's seat of life, not a passive passenger.

Remember, "Nothing changes if nothing changes, and if I keep doing what I've always done, I'll keep getting what I've always got, and will keep feeling what I always felt."

Beliefs

You may have heard a rumor on Twitter, by email, or wherever it is that rumors start that October 2010 has 5 Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays, and that this happens only once every 823 years. This got me thinking, is it really true? So I did some research and found out that the exact same breakdown was used in 1982, 1993, 1999 and again in 2021. I started to think a little more about whose beliefs do I adhere to? Do I ebb and flow with the latest trends and opinions? It’s all too easy to think because it is in the paper, news or on the internet that it is true. Literally, hundreds of peoples’ response to the above fact was that they just accepted it in their stride and thought, “WOW! What an opportunity”. It seems most people are happy to accept “information from authority”. It’s hard to imagine the five weekends concept as being a threat to any particular religion, politics, or ideology, and that’s apparently as deep as most peoples’ filters operate. However, it is a precarious position that people put themselves in if they allow others to program their thoughts and beliefs. My challenge to you in the coming month is to take notice of what you read, hear and see and challenge the validity of it. If nothing else, it will help you become stronger in your beliefs as you stand for what you absolutely value and believe in

Brillant study tips

Reader Deanna Gamez writes: I see you’re an expert at reading books and implementing them. You wrote about how you do this in the October 2009 issue of SUCCESS, “Accomplish More by Doing Less.” Your third tipwas to learn less, study more and you gave a general idea of your method for studying books. Could you please expand on that subject?

There is a significant difference between learning and improving.
The difference is results.

Have you ever been to a seminar, listened to an audio program or read a book that promised life transforming results in 90 days or less… and it didn’t happen?

It wasn’t that the material didn’t work; YOU didn’t do the work. It’s not what you learn; it’s what you DO with what you learn. Doing has to follow learning.

Knowing what to do is not the same as doing what you know. There are a lot of people who read all the books (or blogs!) and go to all the seminars, but their life never improves. The world is filled with broke geniuses.

“There’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.” – Morpheus, The Matrix

I will walk you through my process of how I turn learning into study and study into improvement/results.

Selection

I break my yearly goal achievement plans into four quarterly themes. In each quarter I focus on a particular area of my life or skill I want to improve (e.g., marriage, health, keynote speaking, interviewing, etc.).

I research online and reach out to my personal network for recommendations on the best resources for improving that discipline or skill.

I then buy the top 5 books, the top 3 audio programs and sign up for (at least) one seminar on that topic during that quarter.

Action: Pick a skill you want to study and implement the 5-3-1 program now.

Book Study

I don’t just read a book—I consume it. When I am done with the book it looks as if it’s been through a meat grinder.

I will underline, circle, star, inscribe bolded exclamation marks, dogear, highlight, put sticky tabs all over it and write notes in the margins, at the end of chapters and in the back of the book.

Don’t treat a book like a piece of fragile museum art—treat it like a workbook. Make your mark in it. A book is meant to be used, not just viewed.

Action: Don’t attempt to do everything suggested in the book. Reduce the book down to the best three ideas for you. Now pick one idea that you will implement this week. Write what it is and set a time to review the results a week later. Practice that idea for a few weeks until you have mastered it or it has produced the results you sought, then (maybe) pick another idea and practice it for another week to three weeks.

If all you did was implement, measure, review and improve upon one idea from every book you read your results would improve dramatically. I think you would be surprised how little impact all your learning has had on your life up until now.

Process: To fully squeeze all the benefit from the book, I go back through the book and pull out all the notes, highlights and underlined key points and transfer them to my Knowledge Bank. My Knowledge Bank consists of a document system organized by topic (leadership, sales, fitness, nutrition, communication, etc.). This is why I have virtually unlimited access to the best ideas because I have every key idea I have ever studied, thought or discovered organized by topic.

Audio Study

I load the entire program into my car system. I will listen to an audio program (if I like it the first run through) at least five to six times. This is a key point. A single run-through will have very little impact. Each time you will hear it differently as will be thinking and experiencing different things in your life.

It is better to listen to a single program that you like over and over again (deepening your experience), than it is to move on to the next program (shallow impact). I’ve mentioned before that I have listened to Jim Rohn’s Challenge to Succeed program 50 to 60 times. I have it in my car right now. This is why I recommend, if you liked The Compound Effect audio program I recommend listening to it at least five to six times over so you don’t just hear it, but it seeps into your consciousness.

Action: The same as a book—best three ideas from entire program and one idea implemented, reviewed and improved upon this week.

Process: As I am listening to it in my car, when a key point comes up or I get an idea I use my iPhone to audio-record that quote or idea. Later I will process those notes and transfer them into the appropriate files in my Knowledge Bank.

Seminar Study

All my seminar notes go in my journal, not the materials given at the seminar. One of the most important tips I can give you about attending and benefiting from seminars is to pay attention to what great ideas are being delivered from stage, but also what ideas well up inside of you. There is an incredible dynamic that happens when you enter an environment of higher-minded learning with hundreds of active participants. It creates an elevated environment that will stimulate your own inner creativity. Pay attention and document what ideas surface for you, even if it doesn’t have anything to do with what is being discussed on stage. The ideas that arise from within you can be the best benefits you will gain from the seminar.

Action: Same action plan as a book or audio program—best three ideas and the implementation of one this week.

Process: Transfer the notes from your journal into the files of your Knowledge Bank.

Mastery is the study of the one-percents. Look for the little distinctions and the little improvements in the areas you desire improvement.

Summary:

Study – focus your areas to improve.

Extract – pick out 3 best ideas.

Act – implement one now.

Measure – track improvement.

Improve - adjust, practice and act again with improvements.

Inner Guidance

Just read this great article.

Wanted to share it.

Using Your Inner Guidance System
By: Brian Tracy

You have incredible powers of mind and emotions that give you timely and accurate feedback in every area of your life.

In this newsletter, you learn how to "tune in" to yourself so you can make the right decision in every situation.

Using Your Inner Guidance System
We know that the body has a natural bias toward health and energy. It's designed to last for 100 years with proper care and maintenance. When something goes wrong with any part of our body, we experience it in the form of pain or discomfort of some kind.

We know that when our body is not functioning smoothly and painlessly, something is wrong, and we take action to correct it. We go to a doctor; we take pills; we undergo physical therapy, massage or chiropractic. We know that if we ignore pain or discomfort for any period of time, it could lead to something more serious.

How to Tell Right From Wrong
In the same sense, nature also gives us a way to tell emotionally what's right for us and what's wrong for us in life. Just as nature gives us physical pain to guide us to doing or not doing things in the physical realm, nature gives us emotional pain to guide us toward doing or not doing things in the emotional or mental realm. The wonderful thing is that you're constructed so that if you simply listen carefully to yourself-to your mind, your body and your emotions-and follow the guidance you're given, you can dramatically enhance the quality of your life.

Just as the natural physical state of your body is health and vitality, your natural emotional state is peace and happiness. Whenever you experience a deviation from peace and happiness, it's an indication that something is amiss. Something is wrong with what you're thinking, doing or saying. Your feeling of inner happiness is the best indicator you could ever have to tell you what you should be doing more of and what you should be doing less of.

The Messenger
Unhappiness is to your life as pain is to your body. It is sent as a messenger to tell you that what you're doing is wrong for you.

Very often, you'll suffer from what has been called "divine discontent." You'll feel fidgety and uneasy for a reason or reasons that are unclear to you. You'll be dissatisfied with the status quo. Sometimes, you'll be unable to sleep. Sometimes, you'll be angry or irritable. Very often, you'll get upset with things that have nothing to do with the real issue. You'll have a deep inner sense that something isn't as it should be, and you'll often feel like a fish on a hook, wriggling and squirming emotionally to get free.

Divine Discontent
And that is a good thing. Divine discontent always comes before a positive life change. If you were perfectly satisfied, you would never take any action to improve or change your circumstances. Only when you're dissatisfied for some reason do you have the inner motivation to engage in the outer behaviors that lead you onward and upward.

Listen to yourself. Trust your inner voice. Go with the flow of your own personality. Do the things that make you feel happy inside and you'll probably never make another mistake.